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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514073">Hope To Live On</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caro_the_Poet/pseuds/Caro_the_Poet'>Caro_the_Poet</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Between Scenes [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stargate SG-1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Episode: s04e20 Entity, F/M, Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:35:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,597</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514073</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caro_the_Poet/pseuds/Caro_the_Poet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He draws a ragged breath and collapses on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. <i>But she’s alive. Shes’s alive. She’s alive</i>. Maybe if he repeats it enough times to himself, he’ll be able to breathe again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Between Scenes [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2192922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>128</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hope To Live On</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I got all up in my feels about season 4 in general and Entity in particular, which produced this angsty mess. Enjoy! *cackles diabolically*</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><i>I was screaming for you to hear.</i> </p><p><i>We heard.</i> </p><p>Jack paces back and forth in his quarters, unable to calm his mind or still the shaking of his body. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Carter falling to the ground, lifeless. After he shot her. </p><p>
  <i>He shot her.</i>
</p><p>He draws a ragged breath and collapses on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. <i>But she’s alive. Shes’s alive. She’s alive</i>. Maybe if he repeats it enough times to himself, he’ll be able to breathe again. </p><p>He’s lost track of how many hours he’s been awake. It feels like days and days. How many hours had he sat by Carter’s bedside? He’s so tired and his thoughts are barely coherent and Carter’s alive but she had been dead and <i>he had shot her.</i> </p><p>He doesn’t know how he’ll come back from this one. </p><p>*</p><p>Sam is exhausted in mind and body, but otherwise healthy, and all she wants is to go home. She tells Janet as much. </p><p>“You’ll leave this facility over my dead body,” says Janet, arms crossed over her chest. “At <i>least</i> another 24 hours, just for observation. I don’t want to hear any argument.” </p><p>Sam settles back in bed, resigned to her fate. But she can’t sleep. This latest brush with death was too close, and her consciousness being trapped in a computer was nothing short of horrifying. It was worse than having Jolinar in her head. </p><p>She hasn’t seen the Colonel all day, not since she first woke up. After saying, <i>Welcome back, Carter</i>, and making sure she was generally all right, he had disappeared. She’d been told, later, that he’d had to shoot her twice with a zat, in the fear that the entity was trying to take over the base. </p><p>She rolls over on her side and covers her face with her hands. She can’t imagine what that must have done to him. It certainly explains the haunted look in his eyes when he left the room. </p><p>“Major Carter.” </p><p>She turns her head to find Teal’c standing by her bed. “Oh, hi, Teal’c.” </p><p>He nods and takes a seat. “How are you feeling, Major Carter?” </p><p>“I’m…” she gestures vaguely. “I don’t know, actually. Physically okay, I guess.” She looks down and then back up at him. “It was horrible.” </p><p>“Indeed.” </p><p>He doesn’t say anything else. Sam pushes herself up to a sitting position and fiddles with her hands, debating whether she should ask Teal’c about Colonel O’Neill. He raises an eyebrow at her, as if he senses her internal struggle. “Has O’Neill been in to see you today?” </p><p>She feels her shoulders drop in relief. “No. I haven’t seen him since I woke up yesterday. Is he still here?” </p><p>“He is.” </p><p>Sam bites her lower lip. “Is he all right?” </p><p>Teal’c regards her for a moment, as if he’s deciding how to answer. “He never left your side.” </p><p>She closes her eyes to hide the rush of tears. Of <i>course</i> he hadn’t left her side. He wouldn’t. “He felt responsible, didn’t he?” </p><p>“I cannot say with any certainty what O’Neill felt, Major Carter. But I have rarely seen him so moved.” </p><p>She sucks in a breath and looks down at her hands. Teal’c sees so much more than he ever lets on, and somehow it’s comforting to know that at some level, he understands. When she looks back up at him, his eyes are tender and sympathetic. “Thank you, Teal’c. For telling me, I mean.” </p><p>He merely nods and stands. “Be well, Major Carter. I shall return later, if you are feeling up to it.” </p><p>“I’d like that. Thanks.” </p><p>Teal’c takes his leave and Sam grabs a pillow and buries her face in it. She wishes she could disappear. She wishes she could forget. </p><p>*</p><p>Jack starts and scowls when he hears a knock at his door. He can’t think of anyone he would want to see right now. <i>For crying out loud, can’t I just lick my wounds in peace?</i> </p><p>The door opens a crack and Daniel pokes his head in. “Jack?” </p><p>“Not now, Daniel,” he says, more sharply than he means. But <i>goddammit,</i> he’s so tired and his nerves feel stretched like guitar strings and <i>he cannot deal with Daniel’s bullshit right now.</i> </p><p>Daniel ignores him, because of <i>course</i> he does, and steps into the room. He closes the door behind him. “Hey, are you...okay?” </p><p>Jack glares at him. “Oh, <i>yes</i>, Daniel. Just dandy. One of my better days, in fact.” </p><p>Daniel retreats a step back, and Jack reflects for a moment that maybe he’s been too harsh. He tries to summon some regret and comes up empty. He drags his hands over his face in frustration and forces himself to look at Daniel. “What do you want?” </p><p>Daniel hesitates. “Um...I was just wondering…” He clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably. </p><p>Jack sighs impatiently. “Just <i>spit it out,</i> Daniel.” </p><p>“Have you talked to Sam? Since yesterday, I mean?” </p><p><i>Oh hell no</i>. It sounds suspiciously like Daniel is bringing up The Thing They Do Not Talk About and he is <i>not</i> going to play this game. Not today. <i>“Daniel.”</i> </p><p>
  <i>“Jack.” </i>
</p><p>“Get out. For the love of <i>God.”</i> </p><p>Daniel crosses his arms over his chest and sets his jaw. <i>“No.” </i></p><p>Jack blinks, temporarily stunned into silence; and Daniel rushes on, as if he needs to get the words out before Jack throws him bodily from the room. “You need to talk to her, Jack. You can’t hole up in here and pretend none of this ever happened.” </p><p>Maybe he can play dumb. He’s good at that. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” </p><p>“The <i>hell</i> you don’t!” Daniel’s exasperation has clearly reached a boiling point, and he sits down hard in one of the chairs. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, and fixes Jack with a piercing look. </p><p>Jack shifts in place uncomfortably. </p><p>“Look, I know how you feel about her, Jack. I saw you two on P3R-118. You looked at her the way I...used to look at Sha’re.” Daniel looks down at the floor. “And she looked at you the same way. She still does. Just...” he sighs. “If someday you lose each other and you never said out loud how you feel, I don’t think either of you will be able to live with the regret.” </p><p>Jack can’t respond. Daniel’s not wrong, and he <i>knows</i> he’s not wrong, so denying it is pointless. But he doesn’t have to confirm it, either. So he fixes his eyes on Daniel’s and silently begs him to shut up. </p><p>“Anyway.” Daniel rubs his palms on his knees nervously and stands. “That’s all I wanted to say.” </p><p>He’s almost through the door when Jack finds his voice again. “Daniel?” </p><p>“Yes?” Daniel stops and looks back at him hopefully. </p><p>“Thanks.” </p><p>“No problem.” Daniel walks out and closes the door behind him.</p><p>*<br/>
Jack doesn’t come back to the infirmary, not that day or the next, and Sam tries not to think anything of it. Tries not to worry that he’s avoiding her. That maybe he thinks she’s angry at him for shooting her. </p><p>She leans her head on her hand and clenches her jaw. God, she’s been such an emotional wreck lately. She presses her lips together and blinks hard, trying to keep the wave of tears from overtaking her. </p><p>“You okay, Sam?” Janet’s voice close by startles her. </p><p>She snaps her head up. “Yeah. I’m fine. Really.” </p><p>Janet narrows her eyes. “Do you really think I don’t know when you’re bullshitting me?” </p><p>Sam smirks just a little and then sighs. “I’m not in any physical pain. I’m just feeling a little...emotionally fragile, I guess.” </p><p>Janet sits next to her on the bed. “I think that’s to be expected. What you went through was hellish.” </p><p>“And not just for me,” Sam murmurs, more to herself than to Janet. Janet doesn’t say anything, but she takes Sam’s hand and gives it a squeeze and Sam knows she must understand. </p><p>“Would you like to go home?” Janet asks after a moment. </p><p>Sam exhales in relief. “<i>God</i>, yes. Get me out of here.” </p><p>Janet stands and smiles. “All right. You’re discharged. But get Daniel or someone to drive you home, okay?” </p><p>“Okay.” </p><p><i>Finally.</i> </p><p>*</p><p>Daniel drops her off at home, and after taking a shower she goes straight to bed. She thinks she could sleep for a week and still not be rested enough, which is why it’s surprising that she is still awake an hour later. She’s been tossing and turning ever since she lay down, and all she can think of is Jack. She’d been pretty dazed when she first came back to consciousness, but she’s almost certain she didn’t hallucinate the sight of Jack reaching toward her, only to stop short just before his hand touched hers. </p><p>She shakes off the memory. She doesn’t know how she can keep this up, the pretense that he is nothing more than her commanding officer. It wasn’t so bad before being memory stamped on P3R-118, but now it’s almost intolerable. On that planet they had been brainwashed and enslaved, undernourished and exhausted, and yet sometimes she catches herself longing for those days because at <i>least</i> they had been allowed to love each other.</p><p>Openly. Without fear or shame or threat of punishment. </p><p>She still dreams about it sometimes.  </p><p>And now, knowing that once again she narrowly escaped death and that Jack not only had to watch it unfold, but also had to shoot her to protect the base, and then pretend that she didn’t mean anything more to him than any <i>other</i> person on the base, well…</p><p>She can’t lie here and think about it anymore. </p><p>She sits up  in bed and reaches for her phone. She shouldn’t call him; she knows this, and yet her fingers seem to dial his number of their own accord. </p><p>One ring, and he picks up. “O’Neill.” </p><p>“Hi, sir. It’s Carter.” </p><p>She thinks she hears him chuckle, just barely. “I know.” </p><p>“I, um….” <i>Don’t chicken out now</i>.  “I couldn’t sleep, and I just wanted to talk to you about...what happened,” she finishes lamely. </p><p>He clears his throat. “Carter,” he says awkwardly, “I’m actually in your driveway.” </p><p>Without a second thought, she bounds out of bed and runs to her door, throwing it open. Sure enough, he’s there on her porch, phone in hand, a half-smile on his face and uncertainty in his eyes. “Hey,” he says.<br/>
“Come in, sir.” She opens the door wider so he can pass through. Once he’s inside, they stand awkwardly in the entryway, neither certain of what to say. </p><p>Sam decides to go first. “Sir--” </p><p>She’s barely gotten the word out before he pulls her into his arms, and she feels herself melt into him. He’s clinging to her like a lifeline; she can feel him trembling, and she feels a rush of tears that she’s powerless to stop. He hasn’t held her like this since they were Jonah and Thera, and she’s missed it so much more than she realized. She’s missed <i>him</i>. </p><p>She feels like she can breathe again for the first time in months.</p><p>*<br/>
Jack’s not sure what possessed him to come to her house. But he’d spent two whole days thinking about what Daniel had said, and he couldn’t talk to Carter about it on the base, which really left him no other option. And when she’d called him just as he was walking up her driveway, well, he figured it was fate. </p><p>Or something. </p><p>He stands mutely in her entryway, taking in the sight before him: Sam nervously shifting her weight from foot to foot, her soft striped flannel pajama pants and pink tank top, her slightly mussed short hair. She’s so beautiful and more importantly, she’s <i>alive</i> and he’s too overwhelmed to speak. Almost before he knows what he’s doing, he takes a step toward her and pulls her into his arms, her body warm and soft against him and it’s such an utter <i>relief</i> he thinks he might break down. </p><p>He feels her arms wrap around his neck and she’s clinging to him just as tightly as he is to her. He buries his face in her neck, breathing her in and relaxing into the sensation of her warm skin against his face. <i>She’s here. She’s safe. She’s alive.</i> </p><p>He pulls away from her, just enough to take her face in his hands and rest his forehead against hers. It would be so easy to kiss her, he thinks, and he runs his thumbs over her cheekbones and tries to steady his breathing. But he can’t kiss her, not now. </p><p>If he does, he won’t be able to stop.</p><p><i>“Jack.”</i> Her voice is soft and tremulous, and his heart clenches painfully. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>She pulls away from him and looks into his eyes. “For what?” </p><p>His hands are still holding her face loosely, and she rests her own hands on top of them. He has to will his heartbeat to slow down before he can answer her. Even so, he can hardly get the words out. “I <i>killed</i> you.” </p><p>
  <i>“No.” </i>
</p><p>He blinks, startled at the ferocity of her voice. </p><p>“You killed the entity. You<i> saved</i> me.” She lets go of his hands and steps away from him. She’s shaking all over. “Don’t ever say that again. Don’t even <i>think</i> it.”  </p><p>He only nods, and moves as if to pull her into his arms again, but she steps back out of reach. Her face is wet with tears and she covers it with her hands for a moment before she looks at him again. </p><p>“We try so hard,” she says, her voice breaking. “We do everything right, and we make all the sacrifices, and...it just gets <i>harder</i>. All the time. I don’t know how to keep on like this. I don’t know how to let go of…Jonah and Thera.” She chokes on the names, as if saying them is physically painful. “I don’t know how to accept that we’ll never have that again.” </p><p>“Someday we will, Carter,” he says, and his voice is rough with emotion. “Someday we’ll have that again.” </p><p>She looks at him with tear-dimmed eyes and smiles sadly. “And what if we don’t?” </p><p>They stare at each other in silence for a moment, knowing what she’s really asking. In their line of work, there is no guarantee of <i>someday</i>.</p><p>“Then,” he says, taking her hands firmly in his, “we still will have had Jonah and Thera. Nobody can ever take that away.” </p><p>She nods silently, and he releases her hands. “I’m gonna go now.” He steps away from her and opens the door, hesitating in the doorway. “Just...things are the way they are right now. But<i> this</i>--this is real. Okay?” </p><p>She takes a shaky breath and hugs herself, already missing the warmth of his arms. “Okay.” She pauses. “Jack?” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Teal’c said you never left me. The whole time.” </p><p>“I would <i>never,</i> Carter.” His eyes are dark and serious in the twilight. “Don’t ever forget it.” </p><p>She smiles, just a little, and rests her hand on his where he’s holding the edge of the door. “Goodnight, sir.” </p><p>“Goodnight, Carter.” </p><p>He’s gone, and she makes her way down the hall, back to her bed. His words play over and over in her head, lulling her to sleep. <i>This is real. This is real. Someday we’ll have that again.</i> </p><p>It’s just enough hope to live on. </p><p>Just enough to keep going.</p>
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